When the FEAR turns to DANCING — and other lessons from the cave

We arrived in Nashville on June 30th, 2014. We left behind everything that we knew and loved on June 29th.

 

Nashville Skyline

Every comfort zone that I had in Maine has been stripped away — with the exception of my husband, children, and guitar.  Our friends and family are now 1,256 miles away. My status as the band director that helped shape young lives for the past 13 years is gone.  The safety of the income that I received from the job that I adored — definitely, woefully gone.

But instead of complaining about the circumstances (though I will admit to doing my fair share of whining before He got hold of me), I now remember the words of my Pastor that he shared with us recently about the present situation of the church plant with which we have become involved. “It’s like we’re in a cave, and God is keeping us here, because He doesn’t want anyone to see what He is doing.”  He reminded us about the many times that God would reveal to David part of his future calling, and then spend years in the cave, preparing for the calling.

Those words were the Holy perspective that I needed during this exhausting, exhilarating time.

It is exhausting to be literally counting pennies, and wondering if the gas in the car is going to make it to payday and still allow me and the boys to get to school, 45 minutes each way, every day. It is exhausting to wonder if the groceries are going to last.  It is embarrassing to now qualify for reduced price lunches for the boys, and be so completely grateful that we do  qualify, because it means I only need to worry about feeding myself during the school days.

It is frustrating to want things and to have to go without. (It is humiliating to know how many idols I have been hearing drop from their pedestals.)

I hear the line from Great is Thy Faithfulness, “all I have needed Thy hand hath provided,” and realize that since You haven’t provided any of those things that I long for, that I don’t need them.  Because God has provided for us, mysteriously, miraculously, and amazingly- – – over and over again. Some day, I will tell you the story of the blessings that came without a single word of asking on our part, to help us get here.

But I am here to tell you that it does not take long for the child of God to forget what He has done. A recent song that I wrote with a beautiful friend of mine has a verse that rings in my heart, again and again.

“You say be still and know that I am God
Why would I bring you here to leave you now?
Rest my child and remember everything I’ve done–
You were never meant to carry this on your own. . .”

In my more selfish moments I have had emotional temper tantrums at God, wondering how I am supposed to move forward with this songwriting thing — what HE BROUGHT ME HERE FOR — if we have literally nothing extra after the bills are paid.

When my pastor spoke the words about our church being in the cave, I felt the Lord speaking peace and love into my heart.  Right now, my little family and I are in the cave. He is preparing us for something. In this time, I must be faithful to cultivate the skills, the words and the music that He has given me, until such time as He moves.  In creating this situation for us, He is giving us a real understanding of what it means to trust Him. He has also ensured that I will not be able to try to push ahead of His timing with the singing/songwriting. In my attempts to not let fear win, I could easily see myself rushing into something that I am not ready for. God is protecting me — isn’t that just like Him?

So as exhausting as this season is, it is also exhilarating — because the God that made the heavens and the earth, and the birds of the sky and the fish of the sea, is carefully providing and taking care of us. We have no doubt that His purposes, and His plans will prevail — and we will not stop seeking His face, His glory, and His presence!

Release — {Five Minute Friday}

In order to fully live in God’s will, I have to be willing to let go of what I love to receive what He intends for me. And I love being the band director to these amazing students.

 

my last BRHS concert

 

We are moving to Nashville, TN in 9 days. I have less than a week here in my beloved seaside town before I pack up my boys and stay with my parents for a few days before the big move. I have had to say goodbye to students, colleagues and friends. I have had to pack up a band room, and file back music that I have neglected during a 13 year career.

We have several knowns for the next chapter– a church, an apartment, and a job for me. But there are countless unknowns that we have to be willing to create space for — to release what we have now for the things to come.

I am releasing my identity as a band director, and trusting in my identity as a Daughter of the King.

I am releasing fears and insecurities, and trusting the dream. Believing that He is bringing us 1,256 miles away from all that is comfortable for a reason. And that obedience doesn’t require understanding. It requires faith.

And right now– I can do that. I can walk by faith. I can take the steps forward that I can see, and I can release control, and let Him lead.

What are you releasing today?

{Today I am linking up with Lisa Jo for 5 minute Friday. Come play along!}