We arrived in Nashville on June 30th, 2014. We left behind everything that we knew and loved on June 29th.
Every comfort zone that I had in Maine has been stripped away — with the exception of my husband, children, and guitar. Our friends and family are now 1,256 miles away. My status as the band director that helped shape young lives for the past 13 years is gone. The safety of the income that I received from the job that I adored — definitely, woefully gone.
But instead of complaining about the circumstances (though I will admit to doing my fair share of whining before He got hold of me), I now remember the words of my Pastor that he shared with us recently about the present situation of the church plant with which we have become involved. “It’s like we’re in a cave, and God is keeping us here, because He doesn’t want anyone to see what He is doing.” He reminded us about the many times that God would reveal to David part of his future calling, and then spend years in the cave, preparing for the calling.
Those words were the Holy perspective that I needed during this exhausting, exhilarating time.
It is exhausting to be literally counting pennies, and wondering if the gas in the car is going to make it to payday and still allow me and the boys to get to school, 45 minutes each way, every day. It is exhausting to wonder if the groceries are going to last. It is embarrassing to now qualify for reduced price lunches for the boys, and be so completely grateful that we do qualify, because it means I only need to worry about feeding myself during the school days.
It is frustrating to want things and to have to go without. (It is humiliating to know how many idols I have been hearing drop from their pedestals.)
I hear the line from Great is Thy Faithfulness, “all I have needed Thy hand hath provided,” and realize that since You haven’t provided any of those things that I long for, that I don’t need them. Because God has provided for us, mysteriously, miraculously, and amazingly- – – over and over again. Some day, I will tell you the story of the blessings that came without a single word of asking on our part, to help us get here.
But I am here to tell you that it does not take long for the child of God to forget what He has done. A recent song that I wrote with a beautiful friend of mine has a verse that rings in my heart, again and again.
“You say be still and know that I am God
Why would I bring you here to leave you now?
Rest my child and remember everything I’ve done–
You were never meant to carry this on your own. . .”
In my more selfish moments I have had emotional temper tantrums at God, wondering how I am supposed to move forward with this songwriting thing — what HE BROUGHT ME HERE FOR — if we have literally nothing extra after the bills are paid.
When my pastor spoke the words about our church being in the cave, I felt the Lord speaking peace and love into my heart. Right now, my little family and I are in the cave. He is preparing us for something. In this time, I must be faithful to cultivate the skills, the words and the music that He has given me, until such time as He moves. In creating this situation for us, He is giving us a real understanding of what it means to trust Him. He has also ensured that I will not be able to try to push ahead of His timing with the singing/songwriting. In my attempts to not let fear win, I could easily see myself rushing into something that I am not ready for. God is protecting me — isn’t that just like Him?
So as exhausting as this season is, it is also exhilarating — because the God that made the heavens and the earth, and the birds of the sky and the fish of the sea, is carefully providing and taking care of us. We have no doubt that His purposes, and His plans will prevail — and we will not stop seeking His face, His glory, and His presence!